I just realized how pathetic everything is.
I'm sitting here listening to the one song that reminds me of everything we are. That ever meant anything to us, and I can't help but feel like everything is different. Like you have fucked up so many times that I don't know if it can ever be restored, like that suicidal teen that has heard to many insults.
I mean, I'm ohkay, I understand that some things die, but I never thought you'd die. I wanted to be everything a fairy tale tells me about with you. I wanted to have those moments that makes the audience sob, I wanted to hear you say all the words every girl wants to hear, I wanted to lay in your arms and know that everything is going to be alright, because no one else matters as much as we do in every moment that we are together, and out of everything, I don't hate you.
I don't hate you for breaking me 5 times.
I don't hate you for treating me like a door mat, only there for when you need me.
I don't hate you for being your whipping stick.
I don't hate you for having sex with me, then not cuddling
I don't hate you for all the missed called, all the unread letters, the forgotten dates, the unsaid words, the underused I love you's.
I don't hate you for anything.
I hate me.
I hate myself for allowing myself to go through this
I hate myself for falling more in love with you
I hate myself for giving myself to you
I hate myself for not seeing the signs
I hate myself for falling for you.
I hate myself for everything i've ever let you do
and let you become.
I hate myself for being a push over and never putting my foot down.
I hate myself.
For putting up with all the bullshit;
For what?
....
...
For you.
Because out of every reason I hate myself.
I hate myself the most for needing you.
For the fact that I know you're the one for me..
But out of everything.
I love myself.
For never doubting it.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Somehow..
I gotta make a final for my creative writing class.
it is a class that I have taken for the second year, so this year it was sort of a free-be for me. Trying and doing new things that I have never done when it comes to writing, like teaching it, creating something new for the kids to do, and keeping the creative side to it. I know it sounds simple, but trust me, its really not..
I think for my final its gonna be somethign like create a 1000 word story about anything. I like that idea. It allows me to write for the amount of time that i am given, its really simple, and it is something that I like it do. I am going to have to ask Mrs. Madore if that is ohkay with her, hopefully it is because I already have an idea. I created it last night while i was on the phone with tim.
It is an Alice and Wonderland kinda story, but with a twist. I hope that she likes it. Imma have to start formulating all the ideas, see which are good and which are ones that need to go away. I have a lot of thinking to do. :3
it is a class that I have taken for the second year, so this year it was sort of a free-be for me. Trying and doing new things that I have never done when it comes to writing, like teaching it, creating something new for the kids to do, and keeping the creative side to it. I know it sounds simple, but trust me, its really not..
I think for my final its gonna be somethign like create a 1000 word story about anything. I like that idea. It allows me to write for the amount of time that i am given, its really simple, and it is something that I like it do. I am going to have to ask Mrs. Madore if that is ohkay with her, hopefully it is because I already have an idea. I created it last night while i was on the phone with tim.
It is an Alice and Wonderland kinda story, but with a twist. I hope that she likes it. Imma have to start formulating all the ideas, see which are good and which are ones that need to go away. I have a lot of thinking to do. :3
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I have never been in this much pain.
My stomach is killing me. I don't know why.. I feel like dying. I want to go home and die in a hole. Oh my god..
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
"I'm falling from cloud 9, crashing from the high."
I'm not sure why, but those words just scream out your name. Nothing but pure you pops into my head and from that, I just wish to have you back. I want to do nothing but go to your grave and kneel there for hours and just be there. Not talk, not think, not anything, just be there. Just sit there and remember everything we had been. The best friendship we had created, the comfort I had found in you, the content and peacefulness I had reached in your voice. And to this moment, I wish I could text you and let you know I found a 1940 penny..
It's been a month and 5 days.. or 5 weeks since the Wednesday you passed and still the world seems to be as confusing and crouchy as it was the day you passed.
The look in your brothers eyes that night will never escape my mind. It still tears at my heart and rips open my heart with pain. I wish I could take it all away, I wish I could make it all go away. I wish, somehow, you'd come back. Even though you're under the ground, and you've been cleaned out, i'm still waiting for your grave to pop open and scream out "wheres my fucking cigarettes."
It's times like this that I wish zombies were real..
I'm not sure why, but those words just scream out your name. Nothing but pure you pops into my head and from that, I just wish to have you back. I want to do nothing but go to your grave and kneel there for hours and just be there. Not talk, not think, not anything, just be there. Just sit there and remember everything we had been. The best friendship we had created, the comfort I had found in you, the content and peacefulness I had reached in your voice. And to this moment, I wish I could text you and let you know I found a 1940 penny..
It's been a month and 5 days.. or 5 weeks since the Wednesday you passed and still the world seems to be as confusing and crouchy as it was the day you passed.
The look in your brothers eyes that night will never escape my mind. It still tears at my heart and rips open my heart with pain. I wish I could take it all away, I wish I could make it all go away. I wish, somehow, you'd come back. Even though you're under the ground, and you've been cleaned out, i'm still waiting for your grave to pop open and scream out "wheres my fucking cigarettes."
It's times like this that I wish zombies were real..
Monday, May 21, 2012
I mean, i guess my weekend was normal.
Thursday - Last day of school. I took my junior skip day for taking the SAT's for friday, so that means that today was the last school day that I had to go to. I got home from school, and was doing nothing but rushing around. I had to go and get the Chicken BBQ tickets for Kalum so he could bring it to Mr. Soucy by tomorrow because that's when they were due, and then I had to bring him home across town, then go home and pack and be ready for Tim for when he got to my house. I made it just in time because when he pulled up to come get me, I was just about ready to go to his house.
I walked downstairs and got into his mom's car and we were off to pick up CJ at work. We were sitting there waiting for him to get outta work for probably 20 minutes or so, it wasn't a big deal, but Tim was restless. He's not one to sit somewhere and wait for a long amount of time, so I had to keep him preoccupied, so I read him the police blotters and we had ourselves a good chuckle.
When CJ finally got into the car, we went back to town to go to kmart. Timmy got a huge nerf gun, I'm jealous.
Friday - Today wasn't that much of a day that I can remember that well. All that I remember was that we had a huge bon fire and CJ got drunk and it was pretty funny to watch.
Saturday - Today was an interesting day to say the least. CJ got the cops called on him twice for things that didn't even make sense by their next door neighbors. They are lucky that they didn't call the cops another time other wise it would have been classified as harassment, and i'm pretty sure that they knew that because they didn't call again. And not only that but Matt was burried today, which was really comforting for me. Just to know that he is finally where he is supposed to be and safe, and I know that everything is final. It's just comforting to know that he is finally completely at rest.
We went to go and see his grave later on that day and put flowers on it. It was cute to see how CJ and Tim put their hand prints on the dirt of Matt's grave, as if there to keep the boys there with Matt as much as possible. CJ said something about going to see Matt every day that he could after work. God bless that guy.
When went to go and see him the second time, I was picking the worms off of his grave, and CJ told me to stop because Matt needs them for when he gets hungry. I had myself a good laugh. We were also picking the roots off of his grave, and whenever there was one that wouldn't come out of the ground easily, CJ said that it was cause Matt wanted that one, either that or he was just fucking with us. I could easily believe both of those..
As I am writing right now, it really feels like Matt is with me.. I love that feeling <3
Sunday - Me and Tim slept until 12. We went for a dirt bike ride later on in the day, and then I went home at around 3 in the afternoon. I just went home, reorganized my room, and went to bed at 6. I was exhausted. I got on the phone with Tim at about 9, and we talked until about 11, then we both passed out.
I walked downstairs and got into his mom's car and we were off to pick up CJ at work. We were sitting there waiting for him to get outta work for probably 20 minutes or so, it wasn't a big deal, but Tim was restless. He's not one to sit somewhere and wait for a long amount of time, so I had to keep him preoccupied, so I read him the police blotters and we had ourselves a good chuckle.
When CJ finally got into the car, we went back to town to go to kmart. Timmy got a huge nerf gun, I'm jealous.
Friday - Today wasn't that much of a day that I can remember that well. All that I remember was that we had a huge bon fire and CJ got drunk and it was pretty funny to watch.
Saturday - Today was an interesting day to say the least. CJ got the cops called on him twice for things that didn't even make sense by their next door neighbors. They are lucky that they didn't call the cops another time other wise it would have been classified as harassment, and i'm pretty sure that they knew that because they didn't call again. And not only that but Matt was burried today, which was really comforting for me. Just to know that he is finally where he is supposed to be and safe, and I know that everything is final. It's just comforting to know that he is finally completely at rest.
We went to go and see his grave later on that day and put flowers on it. It was cute to see how CJ and Tim put their hand prints on the dirt of Matt's grave, as if there to keep the boys there with Matt as much as possible. CJ said something about going to see Matt every day that he could after work. God bless that guy.
When went to go and see him the second time, I was picking the worms off of his grave, and CJ told me to stop because Matt needs them for when he gets hungry. I had myself a good laugh. We were also picking the roots off of his grave, and whenever there was one that wouldn't come out of the ground easily, CJ said that it was cause Matt wanted that one, either that or he was just fucking with us. I could easily believe both of those..
As I am writing right now, it really feels like Matt is with me.. I love that feeling <3
Sunday - Me and Tim slept until 12. We went for a dirt bike ride later on in the day, and then I went home at around 3 in the afternoon. I just went home, reorganized my room, and went to bed at 6. I was exhausted. I got on the phone with Tim at about 9, and we talked until about 11, then we both passed out.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I think that i have writers block. Either that or its way to early in the day for me to even start to consider writing something worth reading.
I'm really just jumbled up right now. I have to many thoughts going in and out of my head, and I can't really focus on anything.
It took me a little over 10 minutes just to write the 2 sentences that are above, and I still can't seem to keep focused. I just need to calm down and get into the writing zone somehow.
I have so much planned for the rest of my week, I am not sure what to do.
I have to sell chicken BBQ tickets today from after school till about 7.
And then tomorrow I ahve to do the same thing.
thursday, i'm planning on going over to tim's house because i'm not going to be having school on friday because of my Junior Skip Day for taking the SAT's.
and then Thursday and friday I have to myself, and then on Saturday I have to somehow come back down to town to take my cousin's prom pictures for a few hours, and then go back to tim's house and spend the night there as well. And then at some point come back home on Sunday and then start the week all over and somehow fit 45 tests that I have to take into that one week. I hate being this busy.
And I also have to tell Mr. Soucy that I don't know if I can make it to the BBQ thing at the fire station because I won't be in town that day, I'm going to be at Tim's house, and I'm not coming all the way down here at 8:30 to just sit around and do nothing. and plus, i have sold 40 plus tickets, and that was only on the first day. I have 55 more to sell and they are going to sell. Maybe not all today, but they will be selling. I might have to get more tickets for tomorrow though, because I was told that that will probably be the day to sell the tickets. I don't mind spending all that time out there and doing that stuff, I enjoy being a sales person, it makes me happy. It's really where I fell most comfortable, to be honest. I want to be a teacher, but I am also really well suited for being a sales person. I am not kidding. I got so many people telling me that I am a good sales person, and I truly believe it. I can make people laugh, feel comfortable, and honestly, there are some people that just gave me money and didn't even pay for the ticket, they just benefited, and there were some people who weren't even going to be in town that paid for a ticket because I convinced them that it was for the Junior class. I can't wait to go again today, its going to be fun :)
I wonder if ashley is going to be there, I could really use her help when it comes to that.
askjdgjasd;kg, im excited.
I'm really just jumbled up right now. I have to many thoughts going in and out of my head, and I can't really focus on anything.
It took me a little over 10 minutes just to write the 2 sentences that are above, and I still can't seem to keep focused. I just need to calm down and get into the writing zone somehow.
I have so much planned for the rest of my week, I am not sure what to do.
I have to sell chicken BBQ tickets today from after school till about 7.
And then tomorrow I ahve to do the same thing.
thursday, i'm planning on going over to tim's house because i'm not going to be having school on friday because of my Junior Skip Day for taking the SAT's.
and then Thursday and friday I have to myself, and then on Saturday I have to somehow come back down to town to take my cousin's prom pictures for a few hours, and then go back to tim's house and spend the night there as well. And then at some point come back home on Sunday and then start the week all over and somehow fit 45 tests that I have to take into that one week. I hate being this busy.
And I also have to tell Mr. Soucy that I don't know if I can make it to the BBQ thing at the fire station because I won't be in town that day, I'm going to be at Tim's house, and I'm not coming all the way down here at 8:30 to just sit around and do nothing. and plus, i have sold 40 plus tickets, and that was only on the first day. I have 55 more to sell and they are going to sell. Maybe not all today, but they will be selling. I might have to get more tickets for tomorrow though, because I was told that that will probably be the day to sell the tickets. I don't mind spending all that time out there and doing that stuff, I enjoy being a sales person, it makes me happy. It's really where I fell most comfortable, to be honest. I want to be a teacher, but I am also really well suited for being a sales person. I am not kidding. I got so many people telling me that I am a good sales person, and I truly believe it. I can make people laugh, feel comfortable, and honestly, there are some people that just gave me money and didn't even pay for the ticket, they just benefited, and there were some people who weren't even going to be in town that paid for a ticket because I convinced them that it was for the Junior class. I can't wait to go again today, its going to be fun :)
I wonder if ashley is going to be there, I could really use her help when it comes to that.
askjdgjasd;kg, im excited.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
it takes a special kinda person.
I don't really know how to put this. The immaturity of some people in my town makes no sense. Trying to tell me what to think, and feeding me lies while they are blocking out the truth. Some fucking people have the guts to tell me the thoughts of someone I knew better than them.
I guess it takes the kinda immaturity to be a bitch like that.
Matt. Come back so you can shut them up, make your mom happy, give your brother someone to be with, someone for me to go to, give CJ his twin back, and go back to work at McDonalds. We need you <3
I guess it takes the kinda immaturity to be a bitch like that.
Matt. Come back so you can shut them up, make your mom happy, give your brother someone to be with, someone for me to go to, give CJ his twin back, and go back to work at McDonalds. We need you <3
Friday, May 4, 2012
I guess that you were with me last night.
I was laying in my bed texting my boyfriend like any other girlfriend would be doing at 10 at night.
The conversation was growing to a dullness and I was growing tired. I looked at my TV where I was watching Netflix on my Wii, and let the show that I was watching finish. Once the credits were on, I grabbed for the Wii remote and aimed it at the console and held onto the power button for 3 seconds and waited for the sound of the fan to shut off. Once the room was quiet, i placed the remote on the ground and laid down. At that moment, i heard the fan kick on again. I looked at the console and noticed that the green light was on. The console was on.
I grabbed for the remote assuming that i must have hit something while I was putting it on the ground, and held onto the power button again, holding onto the remote until I knew for sure that it was off. Shortly after the quite overcame the room, the green light was back on. At this point, I knew you were there.
I stared at the Wii console and turned it off one more time, waiting for the green light to turn yellow to tell me that it was off. In the back of my head I was saying "matt stop it, I wanna go to bed."
The green light never came back on.
I smiled and laid back in my bed and said "goodnight matt" aloud. At that moment, I felt that he was happy, and I was sure that he had had fun pulling his little prank on me.
I love and miss you Matt. I hope that you're happy and safe in heaven <3
The conversation was growing to a dullness and I was growing tired. I looked at my TV where I was watching Netflix on my Wii, and let the show that I was watching finish. Once the credits were on, I grabbed for the Wii remote and aimed it at the console and held onto the power button for 3 seconds and waited for the sound of the fan to shut off. Once the room was quiet, i placed the remote on the ground and laid down. At that moment, i heard the fan kick on again. I looked at the console and noticed that the green light was on. The console was on.
I grabbed for the remote assuming that i must have hit something while I was putting it on the ground, and held onto the power button again, holding onto the remote until I knew for sure that it was off. Shortly after the quite overcame the room, the green light was back on. At this point, I knew you were there.
I stared at the Wii console and turned it off one more time, waiting for the green light to turn yellow to tell me that it was off. In the back of my head I was saying "matt stop it, I wanna go to bed."
The green light never came back on.
I smiled and laid back in my bed and said "goodnight matt" aloud. At that moment, I felt that he was happy, and I was sure that he had had fun pulling his little prank on me.
I love and miss you Matt. I hope that you're happy and safe in heaven <3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
My boyfriend.
I guess he doesn't make any sense.
When everything seems to be fine and dandy, I get shit on.
Like the other night:
I was over at Amanda's house, which is the girlfriend of my boyfriend's brother, and I had been getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend for about 4 hours now. I decided that it was time to take action. I asked Amanda to text her boyfriend and ask my boyfriend if his phone was on. He said no. I requested him to turn it on, and he did.
"whats up?" he said to me.
"Nothing much, I just missed you is all."
"oh k."
"yup." I waited for about 10 minutes with no reply, so I sent him another, "why aren't you talking to me?"
"k whatever." And thus this all started
Somehow this entire thing spiraled into me being to clingy and somehow he broke up with me, and after about 40 minutes of me yelling at him on the phone, we got back together.
I guess that this is all really confusing to you. Let me give you a little bit of background story.
My boyfriend, Tim, well his brother has recently died. I stayed over at his house for a total of 6 days. Over that time, we probably spent a total of 2 days together in all, including sleeping. He was always out, either with his brother or with his friends.
My boyfriend, Tim, knows that I am against drugs, drinking and smoking. The night that his brother died, he smoked weed. Tim started smoking again, infront of me. Tim drank, without my permission. All of these things, I let go.
My boyfriend, Tim, has a tendency to ditch me to go out with his friends and do other things besides spending time with me.
My boyfriend, Tim, has a very good act at not only being a pathological liar, but also an asshole. He has a tendency to make me feel like shit and ignore me for reasons that make no sense.
My boyfriend, Tim, you're probably wondering why I'm still with him. Well there is a quote that I use when I think of him and it goes like this.
When everything seems to be fine and dandy, I get shit on.
Like the other night:
I was over at Amanda's house, which is the girlfriend of my boyfriend's brother, and I had been getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend for about 4 hours now. I decided that it was time to take action. I asked Amanda to text her boyfriend and ask my boyfriend if his phone was on. He said no. I requested him to turn it on, and he did.
"whats up?" he said to me.
"Nothing much, I just missed you is all."
"oh k."
"yup." I waited for about 10 minutes with no reply, so I sent him another, "why aren't you talking to me?"
"k whatever." And thus this all started
Somehow this entire thing spiraled into me being to clingy and somehow he broke up with me, and after about 40 minutes of me yelling at him on the phone, we got back together.
I guess that this is all really confusing to you. Let me give you a little bit of background story.
My boyfriend, Tim, well his brother has recently died. I stayed over at his house for a total of 6 days. Over that time, we probably spent a total of 2 days together in all, including sleeping. He was always out, either with his brother or with his friends.
My boyfriend, Tim, knows that I am against drugs, drinking and smoking. The night that his brother died, he smoked weed. Tim started smoking again, infront of me. Tim drank, without my permission. All of these things, I let go.
My boyfriend, Tim, has a tendency to ditch me to go out with his friends and do other things besides spending time with me.
My boyfriend, Tim, has a very good act at not only being a pathological liar, but also an asshole. He has a tendency to make me feel like shit and ignore me for reasons that make no sense.
My boyfriend, Tim, you're probably wondering why I'm still with him. Well there is a quote that I use when I think of him and it goes like this.
“Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you.”
― Sarah Dessen
― Sarah Dessen
My boyfriend, Tim, I love him. He is a pain in my ass, probably won't make sense for years, has anger problems, and sometimes I feel like he just wants me to disappear so he can do whatever he wants, but he is the biggest sweet heart I have ever met. We connect on a level that i have never really experienced before, and our love is deeper than the regular puppy love that others last in for 3 months. We are a year and 2 months into our relationship and we are still going strong. Every relationship has their ups and downs, and honestly this is our first true down.
Even though I sit here and I am bitch about this like I am, there is no one else that I would rather be with than him. The way that he holds me at night, and the way that he kisses me in that way that's so gentle. Or the fact that I know just what makes him tick, and I use it against him in every way that I know how.
My boyfriend, Tim, I will marry, because no one makes me feel as beautiful as he does, every day of my life.
Hating myself
I'm really starting to hate myself.
Just the lack of motivation that I have to do nothing whats so ever for no reason what so ever besides the fact that I love the feeling of being lazy.
I need to get my mentality into a state where if I go to bed early, wake up early, get my stuff done throughout the day, I'm going to feel better in the long run,
But for some reason that isn't enough for me.
I want to be put on some sort of pills
maybe that will help me get the motivation I need because for some reason I can't get it done myself. I just wish that there was a way for me to be able to wake up one day and feel like doing things
because honestly I'm really getting tired of myself, but I can't seem to stop myself either.
I just want to do things for myself,
do the things that I want for a change and stop being so lazy and only wanting to lay down and sleep my life away.
I wanna be able to go outside for a walk, or go inside and work out, but all that I want to do is wait for the next moment when I can sleep everything away.
People keep telling me that this is depression and that I need to get out of it, but I don't know if this is depression or just lack of motivation. I can't tell if there is something mentally wrong with me to want to have this urge to stay in bed and just sleep my life away,
or if it is just the lack of motivation to do such things.
I'm starting to get things done, kinda.
Last night I rearranged the pictures on my wall to a clumped up little corner so now I have plenty more room for other things that I want to put on my walls.
As well as I got these Japanesse lights that are hanging from my ceiling that make my room every so pretty.
And I hung up my Christmas lights, but those didn't work out as well as I had planned,
They fell in the middle of the night and scared the shit out of me (i think)
But now, since this morning when I bullshitted myself and got outta bed late, and almost didn't come to school because I didn't want to walk,
I am really not looking forward to getting home and getting ready to go and give my application to EverGreen but I am looking forward to getting the job. Maybe it will give me that motivation that I need to get my ass outta bed and get my shit done so I can make some money in the mean time.
But I really doubt it.
I really hope that I don't fail when it comes to this job, its not as easy as school, and all summer I'm going to have to be there at 7 and leave at 3 in the afternoon with weekends off. It's like school but now I'm actually going to be getting paid with a nice check at the end of the week. it's probably going to be worth it.
I'm really hoping that I get the job, I want that kinda responsibility in my life for once. I'm tired of waiting for things to be done for me, I wanna do things for myself for once.
I just hope my laziness will kick itself in the ass and leave me be. Well better start now. :)
Just the lack of motivation that I have to do nothing whats so ever for no reason what so ever besides the fact that I love the feeling of being lazy.
I need to get my mentality into a state where if I go to bed early, wake up early, get my stuff done throughout the day, I'm going to feel better in the long run,
But for some reason that isn't enough for me.
I want to be put on some sort of pills
maybe that will help me get the motivation I need because for some reason I can't get it done myself. I just wish that there was a way for me to be able to wake up one day and feel like doing things
because honestly I'm really getting tired of myself, but I can't seem to stop myself either.
I just want to do things for myself,
do the things that I want for a change and stop being so lazy and only wanting to lay down and sleep my life away.
I wanna be able to go outside for a walk, or go inside and work out, but all that I want to do is wait for the next moment when I can sleep everything away.
People keep telling me that this is depression and that I need to get out of it, but I don't know if this is depression or just lack of motivation. I can't tell if there is something mentally wrong with me to want to have this urge to stay in bed and just sleep my life away,
or if it is just the lack of motivation to do such things.
I'm starting to get things done, kinda.
Last night I rearranged the pictures on my wall to a clumped up little corner so now I have plenty more room for other things that I want to put on my walls.
As well as I got these Japanesse lights that are hanging from my ceiling that make my room every so pretty.
And I hung up my Christmas lights, but those didn't work out as well as I had planned,
They fell in the middle of the night and scared the shit out of me (i think)
But now, since this morning when I bullshitted myself and got outta bed late, and almost didn't come to school because I didn't want to walk,
I am really not looking forward to getting home and getting ready to go and give my application to EverGreen but I am looking forward to getting the job. Maybe it will give me that motivation that I need to get my ass outta bed and get my shit done so I can make some money in the mean time.
But I really doubt it.
I really hope that I don't fail when it comes to this job, its not as easy as school, and all summer I'm going to have to be there at 7 and leave at 3 in the afternoon with weekends off. It's like school but now I'm actually going to be getting paid with a nice check at the end of the week. it's probably going to be worth it.
I'm really hoping that I get the job, I want that kinda responsibility in my life for once. I'm tired of waiting for things to be done for me, I wanna do things for myself for once.
I just hope my laziness will kick itself in the ass and leave me be. Well better start now. :)
Mehh..
I guess that this morning was hard. Not because of Matt or anything, but its just this strange will that I have to do nothing with my life. Even though I told the school that my alarm didn't go off, I was really just wasting my time in bed, and not wanting to get up and live my life. Don't ask me why, I'm not sure why, but I have been wanting that for a while.
I am sitting here, also, waiting a a text back from my beloved. He hasn't texted me back for about an hour, and I'm getting a bit worried. I probably shouldn't be, but I am.. He usually always texts me back. I'm debating on texting his mother to see if he is in bed and not in school, but I'm worried that Mama Wendy is asleep. I don't want to wake her. I guess I'll just sit here and wait for something to happen.
Last night I got to thinking about Matt with one of my friends, Nicole. She was the girlfriend is Matt, but I'm not sure if they were dating when Matt had actually passed, but I do know that she felt some sort of connection with him, because she did love him, and I am sure of this. I know that she is hurting because she did love him, but I don't know if she is hurting the same way that I am. She can love someone else again, but I will never get my brother back.. I will never find someone who was there for me the same way that he was. I will never find someone who will make me feel better about my life the same way that he always did. I really do miss him, because at a time like this I would be texting him to try to make me feel better. Things are gonna be so different.
I am sitting here, also, waiting a a text back from my beloved. He hasn't texted me back for about an hour, and I'm getting a bit worried. I probably shouldn't be, but I am.. He usually always texts me back. I'm debating on texting his mother to see if he is in bed and not in school, but I'm worried that Mama Wendy is asleep. I don't want to wake her. I guess I'll just sit here and wait for something to happen.
Last night I got to thinking about Matt with one of my friends, Nicole. She was the girlfriend is Matt, but I'm not sure if they were dating when Matt had actually passed, but I do know that she felt some sort of connection with him, because she did love him, and I am sure of this. I know that she is hurting because she did love him, but I don't know if she is hurting the same way that I am. She can love someone else again, but I will never get my brother back.. I will never find someone who was there for me the same way that he was. I will never find someone who will make me feel better about my life the same way that he always did. I really do miss him, because at a time like this I would be texting him to try to make me feel better. Things are gonna be so different.
Monday, April 30, 2012
I guess that shit's getting hard
This is the first day that I actually come to school and it seems like all I want to do is go home and be alone. I don't know why today, out of all days, that it is hitting me this hard, but it is. Right now his picture is on the side of my laptop, and I gaze at it from time to time, but it is always in my peripheral. Same with his hat, it is sitting on my desk next to my computer, I don't look at that as much.
I knew that this was going to be hard, but I didn't know that it would be this hard. I wish that he was here to help me through this, but he's not. I know that he's safe and peaceful in heaven, but knowing that I'm here, we're all here, without him, it makes things hard for me, and all I want to do right now is text him to see how he's doing, but we all know he won't answer, and if someone does answer, it won't be him..
I miss you Matt. <3
April 18, 2012.
I knew that this was going to be hard, but I didn't know that it would be this hard. I wish that he was here to help me through this, but he's not. I know that he's safe and peaceful in heaven, but knowing that I'm here, we're all here, without him, it makes things hard for me, and all I want to do right now is text him to see how he's doing, but we all know he won't answer, and if someone does answer, it won't be him..
I miss you Matt. <3
April 18, 2012.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
She ran through the brushes of the forest.
She wasn't sure what she was running from;
Life, love, school, family.
She wasn't sure where she was running.
She just knew that she needed to get away.
Someplace;
Warm, safe, comfortable, loving.
She no longer wanted to feel pain anymore.
She wanted it all to vanish;
Make things simple.
Everything that she thought of made her want to cry, and even as she was running through the thick brushes of the dense woods, she realized that nothing was going to keep them. All the will in her body was never going to keep back the surface tears that she had.
She was stumbling over the branches on the ground, she was stumbling over the darkness. She was heading in a direction that was unclear to anyone, and certainly not to her. She wanted to find some sort of relief, maybe something to make the pain go away..
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I thing that there
Should be some sort of hold.
That this world that we live in
Has to become something more.
I believe that together
Something good can come of this
People need to come together
Or make peace.
Earth is out home,
The only one that we have.
Reverse all the doing now..
You're gonna help, aren't you?
?
When I don't write for a while
I have a lot to write about
and thats why you see so much words
so many sentences
and so much random thoughts
all piled together
to create something
that might be a little bit more entertaining,
but probably not.
I cried last night
I cried for all the things that have gone wrong
and all the things that have gone right.
I cried for all the things that are going to happen,
and all the things that will never happen.
I cried for all the joy that I have in my life
and all the wrong that others have.
Last night, i cried for the first time in months.
I cried and it felt good.
I cried last night holding onto your picture
I cried last night, looking into your eyes
I cried last night, while on the phone with you
I cried last night, realizing how perfect my future will be
I cried last night, realizing how perfect you are.
I cried last night, realizing how perfect we are.
I cried, and you made me stop.
I cried, even though.
I cried last night, becoming excited for the tomorrows.
So, now what?
There is more than a lot happening. There are some things that need to be said, and there are some things that should be kept to ones self, and I guess that I don't know the difference between the two. I say to much at the times when I should just be quiet, and I say to little when I should let everything out. There are times when I should feel safe but even the covers on my bed can't make me feel like the monsters aren't there.
But there is one place that I do feel safe, and it's in his eyes.
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