All I could do was sit around the house.

I replayed the situation that had just happened multiple times in my head at a million miles per hour, and each time the position I was in kept on getting duller and duller until the point where the thought of it now doesn't even seem like a memory, but more of a scene in a movie.

I haven't spoken much since then. I haven't really had a reason.

"I just don't see how this is all my fault." I screamed back into my fathers face, our faces both consisting of the same shade of red.

The time that had grown to be nothing but a steady repeat on a day to day basis was becoming more of a drain than privilege. I had found myself in an infinite loop of getting up, surviving, and ending my day with sleep. My eyes were growing bags from pure exhaustion, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to sleeping for an entire night. Some people had suggested that this was caused by the over welming amount of stress that was placed on me every day, and others just thought that I was up on the computer to late. Both were correct, but the second suggestion was popular belief.

I had grown to accept the weaknesses that had come upon me. As the days went on and the year or so I spent with my father after the 4 month divorce that I was put in the middle of was finally finished, I had no other choice. I had found this talent within me to listen to every word that I ever told myself; if I said I wasn't going to care, I made damn well sure not an ounce of tears was spent on that situation.

I had figured out at an early age that there were things in life that I couldn't change, but only be forced to accept on the behaves that things weren't in my line of judgement, and that the only thing that I could do was watch each and every horrible thing happen, and wish I could interject and maybe safe someone from themselves, but I never could. I always found myself curled up in a blanket, hugging all 5 of my teddy bears and wishing for all the loud noises to stop.

They never did stop.

"Why can't you just shut up and do as I say and everything would be fine."

"Because I am a human being and choose not to be stepped on by you just because you're bigger than me."

It was 5th grade when I had realized that I was nothing more to my peers but a doormat to their selfish life styles. Every single bully was a bird on my shoulder, and I let them be there and waited for each one of them to take their turns shitting on me. It was the only thing I could do. I was small, I was weak, and I was easily out spoken. All the bullies had created this amazing plan on how to get me back no matter what come back I had. After so many failed attempts you learn to just give up. I sat there in the corner of the class room through out every recess.

There was a point and time when everything inside of me clicked and I realized that I was beautiful, that I was special, that I was perfect just the way I was, and I wasn't going to take any more bull shit from anyone. I spent hours among hours, just sitting in my room devising so many comebacks and smart all remarks to every word that all those Tom, Dick, and Harry's were out there, and from that point on, I was a changed person.

"I haven't changed, you're the one thats changed. I haven't done anything different from the time that your mother moved out."

"Really? Cause when mom moved out, I used to laugh in this house, now all that we do is this. We look at each other and chose to point out the flaws that we have to make us feel better, and we do this until we're blue in the face because neither one of us wants to accept that the other is right."

The Boucher's (the family that I was brought up into) were never the easiest people to deal with, and I had certainly become no exception. Although I had the patience and the moral standards to sit there and listen to a persons' point of view and realize when I have done wrong, but I will never give up in a conversation if every word that the opposing person is telling me makes no more sense than ketchup in the mustard bottle.

I will and have fought to the death until my side is heard, listened to, thought about, understood, and then counter acted upon or an agree has been made that both parties can deal with. I'm not the average teenager, I am not one that wants to go out until 12 and party with people I don't know and have sex wildly through out the day, I am a calm, cool, and collected person with my morals and values set in place. All I ask for is to be treated like an adult, and to be spoken to ask such.

"Well then why don't you just leave. You seem so willing to do so, so why don't you just go?"

"You've said this to me 3 times already and I've always chosen you."

My father has a bastardly way of making his 'point' proven.

I kid you not, my father has told me that he doesn't want to walk me down the isle at my wedding because I wanted to spend the weekend at my mothers.

"Well one more time can't hurt."

"Well it looks like this time it's going to hurt because I'm tired of all of your bullshit and the way that you act like a constant 5 year old with nothing better to do with his time than to piss people off. Seriously there, i've been dealing with you for this long, but there are to many rules, to much things I have to worry about, yet not enough to worry about."

My father has a nasty habit of having no faith in me.

I have all 80's and above in my classes. Most nights I stay home and do nothing but watch TV or spend a few hours on the computer chatting with my friends, or doing some homework. I clean up after myself to a considerable amount (i leave socks on the ground occasionally). I have a well rounded and strong head and have a strong belief in some matters, but you can persway me if you have a valid argument.

My father is convinced that I'm a drug addict, I have sex with everything that moves, I drink and party every night of my life, and I never try in school.

It's really a wonderful thing to come home to and know that your father is doing nothing more than waiting for the moment that you fail at everything you do, and prove him completely right.

"Things change Vall."
"Would you shut up about that. I said that one time to you because I wanted to get on birth control so I could regulate my period and lose my virginity to the man that I love, of which whom I have been with for 8 months and I still feel like it is the first day that I met him. I'm gonna grow up is what I meant by saying that, not that I'm gonna fail in life."

This is where I blanked out. Everything else in this conversation is blur to me. All that I remember was walking out of that house with boxes of my stuff and heading over to my mom's house, hoping for a sanctuary to be waiting for me there. Praying for some sort of emotional relief.

I never did find that.

"Do you have any faith in me?"
*silence*

"Like, at all?"
*silence*

I slammed the door on the way out. The only thing my head was screaming was 'ass wipe', and all I wanted to do was go back there and knock him square in the jaw.

But at that moment I realized that no amount of come backs, or intelligent words, or out smarting would make this situation go away. My father was my biggest bully. My father was the bully I had spent all those months upon months planning for, and I still wasn't prepared for him.

I've told myself I don't care.

Believe me I have.

But even with all those words, and all that talent I have of making myself not care; thinking about this all, just makes my eyes well up as I realize that my father was the boss level on my mario game, and I couldn't beat him, even with 1000 tries under my belt.

"do you have any faith in me?"

*silence*

It wasn't a yes, but im sure that's what he meant.