Understand.

I guess I am just in the mood to write.
I feel a bit swarmed. All the kids in my class walking around. I know that at any time one of them could look over my shoulder and see what I am typing, and I am still wondering if it would bother me or not.
I am one to like to write everything that I am feeling on paper, but would it really be much of a tragedy if they actually knew my thoughts. Read how I felt. Started to understand my life. Just makes me wonder, would they really care?

I am sitting here. I hear the sound of some man speaking on a video that a classmate is watching on the other side of the room. I know that he shouldn't be doing that; the teacher has a rule saying that no sound should come from the computers, but she's not the most strict either. I guess we all just do what we want in this class, choose weither we want to do the assignments that she has assigned to us. I mostly choose to do them, considering that they are so easy to complete, but I guess today I just didn't feel like it. I, instead, choose to sink my face into my book and continue to read the life of Ted Bundy, and cancel out the rest of the idiots around me.

I can relate to him, Ted Bundy that is. His mind is lost in a world that doesn't understand him. Doesn't want to understand him. Doesn't feel the need to understand him. Well, I feel the need. I read about these things to maybe, in the world that Ted lives in, understand his thought process. Not saying that I agree with it or even dare go ahead and do the things he does myself, but just come to the means of understanding why he thinks the way he thinks. It makes me think. Think if anyone out there is taking as much time in their day to try to understand my thought. Get into my head and see the reason for why I think the way I do. Why I see the world the way that I do.

I guess you're doing that right now aren't you.
Reading my words and trying to figure out what is going through my head to be able to write something like this. Wondering what the last word is going to be, last sentence, last paragraph. Anxiously waiting to find out what the final thought of this little story is going to be. I must warn you, I am a hard person to understand, and even though you think you can predict how this story is going to end, you could very well be wrong. for all you know, the last word could be potato.

Valentine's Day.

Still not sure if I'm going to be spending this day alone, or going to see my boy.
I wish that today I could be able to see him, but I guess that winter carnival is so much more important I mean, I know that it is really important and all that, but this is Valentine's day.. this happens one day out of the year and I gotta spend it at school writing and at work.. I hate this. And telling him is gonna be even more of a problem, because he was looking so forward to me going to see him, but now I'm so stuck. I hate this.

Lying to myself.

Im fine.
No really im fine.
Noo. Dont call.
Im fine guys.
I don't know what you're talking about. Im fine

Its a mess in my head.
But really guys. Im fine.

I don't wanna grow up

Everything is changing in my life.
I smoke cigarettes now because of the level of stress I have to endure in my life.
I dont want to go to school because I know there's no one there who wants to see me.
I stopped writing for a while because I didnt have the energy.
I haven't taken pictures with my camera in so long and I miss the feeling, but I just don't want to anymore

And what I hate the most is that I don't know if im lying to myself about all this.. I don't know if I want this. Thoughts of suicide stop me from living life because everything just feels like there is no point in doing it all. To what? Live on my own and pay bills that I could one day not be able to pay? To raise kids that may end up killing a schools worth of kids? Marry a man that could leave me for someone better? Have a job that I might hate to have?

To me, it just doesn't seem worth it. Im not excited. Im not happy to be older. Im just tired of it all. Everything. Im just done. 

I just realized how pathetic everything is.
I'm sitting here listening to the one song that reminds me of everything we are. That ever meant anything to us, and I can't help but feel like everything is different. Like you have fucked up so many times that I don't know if it can ever be restored, like that suicidal teen that has heard to many insults.
I mean, I'm ohkay, I understand that some things die, but I never thought you'd die. I wanted to be everything a fairy tale tells me about with you. I wanted to have those moments that makes the audience sob, I wanted to hear you say all the words every girl wants to hear, I wanted to lay in your arms and know that everything is going to be alright, because no one else matters as much as we do in every moment that we are together, and out of everything, I don't hate you.
I don't hate you for breaking me 5 times.
I don't hate you for treating me like a door mat, only there for when you need me.
I don't hate you for being your whipping stick.
I don't hate you for having sex with me, then not cuddling
I don't hate you for all the missed called, all the unread letters, the forgotten dates, the unsaid words, the underused I love you's.
I don't hate you for anything.
I hate me.
I hate myself for allowing myself to go through this
I hate myself for falling more in love with you
I hate myself for giving myself to you
I hate myself for not seeing the signs
I hate myself for falling for you.
I hate myself for everything i've ever let you do
and let you become.
I hate myself for being a push over and never putting my foot down.
I hate myself.
For putting up with all the bullshit;
For what?
....
...
For you.
Because out of every reason I hate myself.
I hate myself the most for needing you.
For the fact that I know you're the one for me..
But out of everything.
I love myself.
For never doubting it.

Somehow..

I gotta make a final for my creative writing class.
it is a class that I have taken for the second year, so this year it was sort of a free-be for me. Trying and doing new things that I have never done when it comes to writing, like teaching it, creating something new for the kids to do, and keeping the creative side to it. I know it sounds simple, but trust me, its really not..
I think for my final its gonna be somethign like create a 1000 word story about anything. I like that idea. It allows me to write for the amount of time that i am given, its really simple, and it is something that I like it do. I am going to have to ask Mrs. Madore if that is ohkay with her, hopefully it is because I already have an idea. I created it last night while i was on the phone with tim.
It is an Alice and Wonderland kinda story, but with a twist. I hope that she likes it. Imma have to start formulating all the ideas, see which are good and which are ones that need to go away. I have a lot of thinking to do. :3

I have never been in this much pain.

My stomach is killing me. I don't know why.. I feel like dying. I want to go home and die in a hole. Oh my god..