Lying to myself.

Im fine.
No really im fine.
Noo. Dont call.
Im fine guys.
I don't know what you're talking about. Im fine

Its a mess in my head.
But really guys. Im fine.

I don't wanna grow up

Everything is changing in my life.
I smoke cigarettes now because of the level of stress I have to endure in my life.
I dont want to go to school because I know there's no one there who wants to see me.
I stopped writing for a while because I didnt have the energy.
I haven't taken pictures with my camera in so long and I miss the feeling, but I just don't want to anymore

And what I hate the most is that I don't know if im lying to myself about all this.. I don't know if I want this. Thoughts of suicide stop me from living life because everything just feels like there is no point in doing it all. To what? Live on my own and pay bills that I could one day not be able to pay? To raise kids that may end up killing a schools worth of kids? Marry a man that could leave me for someone better? Have a job that I might hate to have?

To me, it just doesn't seem worth it. Im not excited. Im not happy to be older. Im just tired of it all. Everything. Im just done.